if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
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So that’s what we looked like?
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
definitely did not do anything wrong
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important