⛄️
You Might Also Like
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.