I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
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Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty