My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
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I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.