Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
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WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building