Cat is stressing him out.
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Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations