Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
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Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
welcome back
drew a comic about my origin story
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.