Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
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My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
Me too door. Me too.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Girl, same.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!