No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
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It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000