It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
You Might Also Like
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
For anyone who needs this today
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.