My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
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I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Never let them know your next move 😂
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Breaking news:
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now