What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
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me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Dear Lord..
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
A small tragedy.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.