Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
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More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Anime is real
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?