[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
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Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Word!
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Saturday
rapatouille
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity