My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
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I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.