Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
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BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”