ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
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Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
“what that mouth do?” complain
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.