PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
You Might Also Like
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
I am, perchance
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
You’ll be OK
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU