If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
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He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
yall want some gasoline milk
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.