Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
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piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me