“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
You Might Also Like
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
*seductively peels off lederhosen
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.