At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
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[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?