Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
You Might Also Like
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating