*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
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if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
I came this close!!!!
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice