There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
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Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
My first son he is wonderful
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
handsome & gretel
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
*gets down on one knee*
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.