If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
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My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.