Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
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There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
can’t talk my ride’s here
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.