90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
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Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
my dad when a sex scene comes on
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.