Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
You Might Also Like
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting