My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
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My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Chicken bread
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there