Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
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me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Beware of the dog..
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately