If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
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My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Meow