Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
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[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche