Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
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[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Me :
All Day At Night
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.