Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
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cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
sir, my pâté if you please
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME