GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
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If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.