Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
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“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.