[eats all your cotton candy]
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First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT