Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
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8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”