Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
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ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.