If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
You Might Also Like
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
early stone age tool
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders