When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
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Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
This makes total sense…
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Ghost costume 😂
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.