I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
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5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.