When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
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Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Anyone want a chair?
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.