A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
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Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager