“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
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I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
I’ve been drinking.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.