[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
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SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
new shirt idea
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus