seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
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Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was