i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
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Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.