My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
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Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.